4-3-09

Red is for remembrance

red is for pain.

I can't enjoy Sun as I think about the rain.

I can't enjoy heat when I think about cold.

I can't enjoy now when I think about then.

My thoughts are tied up

and the nauseous feeling that comes with remembrance

forces me to forget.

And I think about all that I've lost

And all that I will loose.

And I start to cry

until I decide to put it off until tomorrow.

And then I think about how that got me here

And how I will never forgive myself for

not enjoying the moment

and not remembering the past

and I die a little inside

when a hear a familiar song.

Because memories cannot be relived

and even the good ones

are painful to remember.

And I breathe familiar air

and trudge through familiar routines

and I am crying all the time

thinking about how I took everything for granted

for all those years.

And how I didn't know who I was

for all those years.

And it will soon be gone.

And never the same.

How can I look up

when I don't even know what's around me?

How can I open my eyes to the rich life that pulls me

in every direction

for 8 bitter years

when I only have one year to live my life?

Before it changes?

And I can't face the present

for fear I'll remember it one day.